A Learning Process II: Promises

I am writing this entry in frustration and guilt. Sometimes, things happen to lives around you that you can't understand. Once, a faith brought me to a utopia of answers; a paradise of peace and perfection, a place of a perfect life, a perfect happiness, a perfect love. But what if in the midst of this newfound perfection, something doesn't go your way? As real as it is, it is still very hard to accept. Especially when you do what you are told and you don't see what you expect to see...

What am I feeling? I named this familiar feeeling, disappointment complacency. We all like the flat lines, the safe roads, the predictable and the boring. When a path appears without caution, suddenly the abruptness seems strange, foreign and hard to understand. The straight aligned roads now twist and turn, and dart in places you don't expect; they distort, twine and intertwine. Maps don't makes sense, positive thinking loses its power. It is a confusing catacomb of sickness, cruelty, disrespect and irresponsibility.

Where am I? I really don't freakin' know. I am sincerely lost. I don't understand this new picture. I tried to make sense of why all the happenings happened - Is it retribution? Or is it because of something that was not performed right? - the questions in my heart doesn't tally with the things I know. Regardless, I try my best to be hopeful for the hopeless. But how can I do it when I myself am desperate? Maybe this is a test, yes, this must be a test. A test of my courage, and faith, and weakness, and reliance unto Him.

Who am I? I'm human, a person who can't change fates.
What can I do? All I can do is believe and wait.
I wait for Him, today I begin my wait for her, I wait for an answer.
I wait. God bless the tormenting, nerve-wrecking wait. (someone, help.)